Ya know, I think I just might be alright after all. I took my self out shopping and bought two new pairs of pants.... in a size 7/8. Yeah, they were stretchy cords and ran a little big, the point is I fit into a 7/8. I went to another store and found a 100% camel hair, satin lined, Oscar de LaRenta, full length over coat, normally $349.99, on clearance for $99, fit like a fucking glove.... And I left the store WITHOUT IT. I was trying to be a responsible young adult. I have a full length winter white wool Calvin Klein that I've worn like 5 times in the last 2 years I've had it. I need another coat like I need a hole in my head. I called my mother to tell her how much of a grown up I am. Her response "You are NOT my daughter! That is an investment piece! It would never go out of style!" Gotta love my mother the shop-a-holic. In the end she was proud of me for being such a grown up.
I later found a better way to blow a hundred bucks. I went to Barnes and Noble and bought another Bukowski book to add to my collection, maybe a book case would be a better investment for me??? Anyway.... I didn't spend the whole $100 on a book. My best friend and I went out for dinner and drinks. The place we went to had alcoholic slushies. yummmm! We had one each while we were waiting on dinner, and one more during dinner. We were trying to decide which one to get after dinner and we saw a lovely little postcard looking thing on the drink menu.... a Daiquiri Tree. ALL the different flavors in mini glasses!!! And then we ordered dessert to go with our tree. Chocolate Fondue..... it was made with Godiva liqueur. OMG.... sex on a mutha fuckin platter. Didn't know you could a buzz from dessert. Maybe it was the tree...


Life goes on. It's not going to be easy, but I think I might get over my first broken heart. I've been pretty lucky making it to 25 without one.

I know I said I wasn't going to cry or waste anymore time on him, I lied. He called last night and like a dumbass I had to answer it. I missed just hearing him call me 'baby'. I hate how I feel right now. I've never felt this way. I can't count the hours I've spent crying on my bathroom floor. I miss him so much. I hate this so much. I tried so hard with him. I've failed in past relationships because I wasn't able to express how I felt for the person. With him, I did everything I could to show him how much he was loved. He said the intensity of our relationship was scaring him and he wasn't sure if he was ready for it and he just needs some time to figure out what he wants. Gawd, I wish he wanted ME. He's been chasing me for the last 12 years, why couldn't he have figured this out before he caught me?

This apartment is killing me right now. I can't be anywhere that doesn't remind me of him. I remember all the wet towel fights in the kitchen and the ice cubes down shirts and pants. Him coming up behind me with his hand on my waist while I'm cooking. The napping on the sofa in the living room, the sneaking up on each other in the shower. Falling asleep in his arms, waking up to his hands all over my body and kisses on my cheek. Him pouncing on me in the doorway of my bedroom cause he didn't want to waste the time walking to the bed.

I know I need to get out of here even if just for a few hours, but I'm sick of being alone. I called my best friend but she's busy with her husband, I chatted with another friend who also had plans with her hubby. Everyone else is too far away. I'm tired of spending the evenings crying on the bathroom floor. I'll be doing really good keeping my mind off everything and then I'll hear a song or have a flash of memory or hear someone talking to or about their special someone. It's not that I don't have a special someone, I can accept being single, I'm just having a hard time accepting that HE's not my special someone anymore. He's been in my life for so long, I hate him not being there. I feel so empty.

it's a new day...

So yesterday kinda sucked for me. I spent most of it bawling like a little bitch. I couldn't be anywhere in my apartment that didn't share a memory of him. Last night I finally got sick of myself. I boxed up his shit and addressed it so all I have to do is ship it. I deleted his numbers, pics, and messages from my phone. I deleted his pics from my camera and computer. I'm done. I'm not wasting another day on him.

The sudden silence sucks, I feel like I deserve at least a call or text saying "fuck you" so I at least have some closure, but I've created my own closure by removing his essence from my life.

It was fun while it lasted.

Gee, thanks Santa...

I knew it would come to this, I just didn't know when or how. I was hoping it would last a bit longer and be on different terms. This weekend marked the end of me and my Blue Eyed Boy. I think what hurts the worse is that I didn't even see it coming, especially not like this. I knew better than to open up and give so much of myself to someone.

Damn, I miss that boy of mine. It really sucks that he works an early day shift and I work a late evening shift. He's usually back at the motel and asleep by the time I make it home. Not talking for days really makes the being 400+ miles apart even harder sometimes.

Rant...

Don't bitch at me for not feeling welcome at a party YOU crashed. It is over, and it's been over. I'm not coming back to you. I don't love you. MOVE ON.

I finally got to spend some quality time with the Blue Eyed Boy this weekend. We spent most of our brief time snuggled on the sofa watching TV, but that's ok cause I happen to like being all wrapped up in his arms. It was so nice waking up Sunday morning to his arms around me and him leaning over to see if I was awake yet. Damn, I love that boy.... He turns me in to such a love struck girly girl... makes the tom boy in me wanna kick his ass...

I play it tough on the outside and try to hide my feelings from you so you can't see how vulnerable I am when it comes to you. I say that I don't like the typical girly/romantic stuff, that I don't need to hear you say the words I so desperately want to hear. I try not to show my disappointment when things don't go the way we had planned. I know you work long hours and sometimes work for weeks with only a couple days off. I know sometimes you just want to be on YOUR sofa and sleep in YOUR bed and just relax and be with your buddies. I encourage that, one of the things that I love about you is that you have other friends and a life outside of me.

The truth is, I miss you when you're not around. I love the tingly feeling I get when I get an unexpected call or text message from you. I love the way you pull me close and whisper things in my ear when we're out with friends. So sometimes, when I'm trying to seem tough, see through the facade and tell me that you love me, you miss me, tell me anything so I don't feel like I'm feeling this alone.

I'm torn between telling you how I feel or holding it all in. I'm afraid if I tell you how I feel, that I'll push you away, but on the other hand I'm afraid if I don't tell you I'll push you away.

I don't even begin to know how to properly express myself. My parents always taught me to think before I speak and they'd often answer questions for me and tell me how they thought I felt. Whenever I'd express a thought or feeling they didn't agree with, they'd tell me I was wrong and tell me how they thought I should have felt or what they thought I was thinking. And now as an adult I second guess how I feel and I seldom get mad because I feel like I'm being selfish by being mad. I don't think I have a right to be mad at you because what I'm mad at is the situation and that's nothing you or I can control. Sometimes I feel like you're the only one that understands the abuse I went through, but then again I feel like a selfish whiny brat when I tell you about it because I can't even begin to fathom what you went through. Be it physical or emotional, abuse is abuse and we both have scars and baggage we still carry with us today.

I can't tell you how much it hurts when you tell me that you're not worth the tears and loneliness you cause me. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You are so worth it. I'm so proud of you for turning your life around and overcoming your demons. The truth is, I think I might even be a little jealous. I'm envious of the places you get to see and the fearless way you look at new things.

I fell in love with a scrawny blonde headed blue eyed boy almost eleven years ago and today I'm even more in love with the man you've become.

My blue eyed boy got about an hour from the job site last night before the boss called him to tell say they had to work this morning, so he had to turn around and go back. I'm kinda bummed, but we both have the last week of the month off and I'm looking forward to that. It gives me more time to clean out/organize my walk-in closet. In February the BEB's lease on his house is up and he's not going to renew it since he's not ever there. He's putting his big stuff (refrigerator, washer, dryer, furniture, ect) in storage and moving his clothes and whatever else that he doesn't take on the road to my place.

He's so romantic.....

My blue eyed boy hasn't been home in about three weeks and he called this evening to say he'd be through town Friday night. I asked him if he'd like me to make anything special for dinner. His response? "Baby don't even bother, you're the only thing I want to eat." At least he's honest.

My favorite ex....

So... I have this ex boyfriend. We 'met' professionally about 5 years ago, became friendly about 3 years ago and dated for about 8 months. I worked in a pharmacy and he worked for a pharmacy help desk. Some people that know us say that we have a sick and twisted relationship. Be that as it may, that's what works for us. He and I were friends first, we decided to date, it ended badly because we never should have dated to begin with, and now we're friends again. It was really hard working through our issues to get back to this point. He and I both blog. We both are aware of each other's blogs, he reads mine on occasion and I tend to avoid his just because I respect his privacy. Today I decided to read his blog just because when we were talking last night I said something that pissed him off and he said he was going to blog about it. I read that post and started poking around at his other posts. He mostly posts about a recent relationship and doesn't really say anything that he and I haven't talked about on the phone. I stumbled across a post that I think I wasn't supposed to see. His post went into our break up and some lingering feelings he had for me for quite sometime. I want to say I'm sorry for hurting him, but I don't know if I should open that can of worms. Should I tell him I read the post? Our romantic relationship was over years ago and most of our issues concerning that part of our lives is water under the bridge. I wish I could go back and "unread" that post.

Funny Moments From the Bedroom....

I usually keep a glass of water on the window sill by my bed. One night I was sleeping next to the Blue Eyed Boy and I felt him turn over and reach for the glass. I drifted back to sleep and sometime later I woke up to him exclaiming "Oh, shit!" and running out of the room. I rolled over to see what was going on and rolled into a big wet spot on the bed. Totally grossed out, I lied there frozen until he came back in the room and I said "Fucker, tell me you didn't just piss all over my brand new bed!!!" He busted out laughing and put a towel down over the wet spot and said "Actually baby, I fell asleep with the water glass in my hand."