I play it tough on the outside and try to hide my feelings from you so you can't see how vulnerable I am when it comes to you. I say that I don't like the typical girly/romantic stuff, that I don't need to hear you say the words I so desperately want to hear. I try not to show my disappointment when things don't go the way we had planned. I know you work long hours and sometimes work for weeks with only a couple days off. I know sometimes you just want to be on YOUR sofa and sleep in YOUR bed and just relax and be with your buddies. I encourage that, one of the things that I love about you is that you have other friends and a life outside of me.

The truth is, I miss you when you're not around. I love the tingly feeling I get when I get an unexpected call or text message from you. I love the way you pull me close and whisper things in my ear when we're out with friends. So sometimes, when I'm trying to seem tough, see through the facade and tell me that you love me, you miss me, tell me anything so I don't feel like I'm feeling this alone.

I'm torn between telling you how I feel or holding it all in. I'm afraid if I tell you how I feel, that I'll push you away, but on the other hand I'm afraid if I don't tell you I'll push you away.

I don't even begin to know how to properly express myself. My parents always taught me to think before I speak and they'd often answer questions for me and tell me how they thought I felt. Whenever I'd express a thought or feeling they didn't agree with, they'd tell me I was wrong and tell me how they thought I should have felt or what they thought I was thinking. And now as an adult I second guess how I feel and I seldom get mad because I feel like I'm being selfish by being mad. I don't think I have a right to be mad at you because what I'm mad at is the situation and that's nothing you or I can control. Sometimes I feel like you're the only one that understands the abuse I went through, but then again I feel like a selfish whiny brat when I tell you about it because I can't even begin to fathom what you went through. Be it physical or emotional, abuse is abuse and we both have scars and baggage we still carry with us today.

I can't tell you how much it hurts when you tell me that you're not worth the tears and loneliness you cause me. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You are so worth it. I'm so proud of you for turning your life around and overcoming your demons. The truth is, I think I might even be a little jealous. I'm envious of the places you get to see and the fearless way you look at new things.

I fell in love with a scrawny blonde headed blue eyed boy almost eleven years ago and today I'm even more in love with the man you've become.