I know I said I wasn't going to cry or waste anymore time on him, I lied. He called last night and like a dumbass I had to answer it. I missed just hearing him call me 'baby'. I hate how I feel right now. I've never felt this way. I can't count the hours I've spent crying on my bathroom floor. I miss him so much. I hate this so much. I tried so hard with him. I've failed in past relationships because I wasn't able to express how I felt for the person. With him, I did everything I could to show him how much he was loved. He said the intensity of our relationship was scaring him and he wasn't sure if he was ready for it and he just needs some time to figure out what he wants. Gawd, I wish he wanted ME. He's been chasing me for the last 12 years, why couldn't he have figured this out before he caught me?
This apartment is killing me right now. I can't be anywhere that doesn't remind me of him. I remember all the wet towel fights in the kitchen and the ice cubes down shirts and pants. Him coming up behind me with his hand on my waist while I'm cooking. The napping on the sofa in the living room, the sneaking up on each other in the shower. Falling asleep in his arms, waking up to his hands all over my body and kisses on my cheek. Him pouncing on me in the doorway of my bedroom cause he didn't want to waste the time walking to the bed.
I know I need to get out of here even if just for a few hours, but I'm sick of being alone. I called my best friend but she's busy with her husband, I chatted with another friend who also had plans with her hubby. Everyone else is too far away. I'm tired of spending the evenings crying on the bathroom floor. I'll be doing really good keeping my mind off everything and then I'll hear a song or have a flash of memory or hear someone talking to or about their special someone. It's not that I don't have a special someone, I can accept being single, I'm just having a hard time accepting that HE's not my special someone anymore. He's been in my life for so long, I hate him not being there. I feel so empty.
This apartment is killing me right now. I can't be anywhere that doesn't remind me of him. I remember all the wet towel fights in the kitchen and the ice cubes down shirts and pants. Him coming up behind me with his hand on my waist while I'm cooking. The napping on the sofa in the living room, the sneaking up on each other in the shower. Falling asleep in his arms, waking up to his hands all over my body and kisses on my cheek. Him pouncing on me in the doorway of my bedroom cause he didn't want to waste the time walking to the bed.
I know I need to get out of here even if just for a few hours, but I'm sick of being alone. I called my best friend but she's busy with her husband, I chatted with another friend who also had plans with her hubby. Everyone else is too far away. I'm tired of spending the evenings crying on the bathroom floor. I'll be doing really good keeping my mind off everything and then I'll hear a song or have a flash of memory or hear someone talking to or about their special someone. It's not that I don't have a special someone, I can accept being single, I'm just having a hard time accepting that HE's not my special someone anymore. He's been in my life for so long, I hate him not being there. I feel so empty.
posted by Jessica | 16:03
6 Comments:
Wow. I'm sorry you're going through all that. I hope it all works out. And I hope your bathroom floor is at least comfortable.
I won't even try to offer advice because I am the LAST person to know anything about relationships. The only advice I have is to rent or buy Annie Hall.
Gosh, that's huge. I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much right now. Here's hoping for the best...
(here from Michele's)
Here's to a better 07. All I know that that it will get better, but that probably doesn't help much now. So sorry...
Michele sent me.
mike
I know just how you feel - I went through it with someone a number of years ago and IT SUCKS. So sorry you are suffering - but maybe the new year presents you with a new start???
Found you through Michele today.
Hey thanks for the kind words on my blog I have used a pan to make nmyself a cup of Tea ;) I was just suffering through a nasty and really wanted to curl up and Die but I have eventually dragged myself up out of my bed and am tackling the world at large (writing this with a cup of tea in hand ;) )
Sorry to hear about what your going through at this time of year and for what its worth I went through it 18 Months ago and its hateful and you just wanna stop grieving for the loss of an emotion that you dont wanna waste on someone you loved so much but believe me when I say the crying is a staple part of the healing process and as much as it will hurt in time it will heal....
All the best for the New Year i hope this one brings you all you deserve and for what its worth
*cyber hug*
I just know that 2007 will bring you all you desire and more. Move onward and upward.
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