No more hugs. No more kisses. No more snuggles. No more sleep overs. This isn't good for me. I'm going to try real hard to get over my crush on you.

What you need to understand is, I wasn't pissed/mad/upset about you telling me no. I can take no for an answer. I'm quite accustomed to taking no for an answer, especially from you. I was pissed and hurt because the one time I needed you to be what you said you'd always be for me, you said no. You called me a psycho and to go away until I was better. You even said you'd never seen me as persistant as I was. That should have clued you in that something was wrong. You are not the friend I thought you were. You have officially knocked yourself off your pedestal.

I'm so scared of how I feel. My depression has never come on so fast and strong before. I can't get a grip. I've been crying almost daily for the last week. Today I seriously thought about cutting myself with razor blades just so I could feel something other than what I was feeling. I'm not suicidal, but I wouldn't mind getting run over by a speeding semi or bus.

Sex ruins everything.

I had a weak moment. Your kiss took my breath away. I knew when you came over that night what would happen. I knew I shouldn't have. But I wanted to know what it felt like to have you, even if just for a little while. I read too much into your words and actions, wanting so desperately to see what wasn't there.  I'm so sorry for that. As awesome as that kiss was and all the others that followed, I'd give anything to take it back in return for my old friend. I was foolish to think I'd ever be more than a warm body or a distraction. I'd much rather live in the fantasy land of What If than the reality of missing what was never there. 

Epic failure

Today I learned who my friends are. And it wasn't you. He who promised to always wipe my tears and shed light to my darkness. I've never asked you for anything. You always offer me a shoulder to cry on and I always say no cause I don't want you to see me like that. The one time I fucking need you, you say no. God how it killed me to admit I was weak and needed someone. You reminded me of why I push everyone away and never ask for anything. Today I re-learned the only person I can rely on is me. Never again will I ask you for help. Never again will I tell you how I feel.

I feel so alone. I wish I hadn't pushed everyone away and ruined things with the one person that was always there.

again? really?

I've got to stop doing this to myself. I've got to stop running from the ones that love me and towards the ones that can't or won't.