It kinda sucks to learn that everything that meant so much to me meant absolutely nothing to you and it's all chalked up to you just being quirky. I can't believe I'm so dumb and blind. I knew it was too good to be true. All I am to you is a text alert, an occasional warm meal, and warm body. I hate me for thinking I could ever be more to you.

I wish I could be your muse. I wish I could bring you happiness. I wish you felt half of what I feel. I wish you could see what I see in you. I wish I loved myself enough to let go of someone that can't and won't ever feel the same.

Q - Fuck you and the years you put me through. Because of you I'm more afraid than ever. I lost my self confidence. I doubt everything I do. I doubt everything I am.

I think I lost or am about to lose something that was never really mine. I don't know if I should bring it up and get it over with or continue on in my ignorant bliss until the inevitable happens.

You used to be such a source of encouagement and comfort. Lately it's been nothing but frustration and tears. I miss my friend.

Ya know what? Fuck it. And Fuck you. I'm not your own personal yo-yo you selfish fucking prick. You were right. I AM too good for you.

No more hugs. No more kisses. No more snuggles. No more sleep overs. This isn't good for me. I'm going to try real hard to get over my crush on you.

What you need to understand is, I wasn't pissed/mad/upset about you telling me no. I can take no for an answer. I'm quite accustomed to taking no for an answer, especially from you. I was pissed and hurt because the one time I needed you to be what you said you'd always be for me, you said no. You called me a psycho and to go away until I was better. You even said you'd never seen me as persistant as I was. That should have clued you in that something was wrong. You are not the friend I thought you were. You have officially knocked yourself off your pedestal.

I'm so scared of how I feel. My depression has never come on so fast and strong before. I can't get a grip. I've been crying almost daily for the last week. Today I seriously thought about cutting myself with razor blades just so I could feel something other than what I was feeling. I'm not suicidal, but I wouldn't mind getting run over by a speeding semi or bus.

Sex ruins everything.

I had a weak moment. Your kiss took my breath away. I knew when you came over that night what would happen. I knew I shouldn't have. But I wanted to know what it felt like to have you, even if just for a little while. I read too much into your words and actions, wanting so desperately to see what wasn't there.  I'm so sorry for that. As awesome as that kiss was and all the others that followed, I'd give anything to take it back in return for my old friend. I was foolish to think I'd ever be more than a warm body or a distraction. I'd much rather live in the fantasy land of What If than the reality of missing what was never there.