Thoughts From the Shower

For some reason I do all my deep thinking in the shower and this morning was no different. I'm having some issues coping with my relationship with my blue eyed boy.

I hate the fact that he makes me feel. I'm usually so numb emotionally and generally have a 'I don't give a fuck' attitude towards my significant others. I don't get jealous, I don't get all lovey dovey, I tend to be a selfish bitch and do whatever I want with in reason. My blue eyed boy travels a lot for his job and I find myself missing him and almost sad if we make plans and have to cancel. Whenever he leaves for a job and I know I won't be seeing him for a few weeks, the second his tail lights fade, I'm hauling my ass upstairs to bury my head in a pillow and cry. When I know he's coming home soon I go nuts trying to make sure everything is perfect. I get damn near giddy when I get an unexpected text message or phone call from him, I save his voice mail just so I can hear his voice during those times we don't get to talk for a few days.

This is so unlike me. I'm not supposed to care about someone like this. Why haven't my defense mechanisms kicked in yet? I should be pushing him away or something by now. Those last few ponderings really kicked the self-psycho-analysis into high gear. I began to think about my past few relationships and I think I figured it out, kinda. It all goes back 6 years ago to one of the last 'conversations' I had with my then husband as I was throwing his ass out. He told me that no one would want me after I was with him. Hmm.. Almost all the relationships I've had since him have been almost like a conquest for me. I dated guys just because I knew I could manipulate and control them and a few others I dated just to prove that I could.

My blue eyed boy is the first guy that I've truly wanted to be with. I'm not with him to feel safe, I'm not with him to impress anyone, and I'm not with him just for the sake of being with someone. I'm not controlling him and he's far from controlling me. We're in this together and I think that's what scares me the most.