Confessions of Jessibelle

2011-08-11T20:50:00.002-06:00

It kinda sucks to learn that everything that meant so much to me meant absolutely nothing to you and it's all chalked up to you just being quirky. I can't believe I'm so dumb and blind. I knew it was too good to be true. All I am to you is a text alert, an occasional warm meal, and warm body. I hate me for thinking I could ever be more to you.

2011-08-05T05:46:00.002-06:00

I wish I could be your muse. I wish I could bring you happiness. I wish you felt half of what I feel. I wish you could see what I see in you. I wish I loved myself enough to let go of someone that can't and won't ever feel the same.

2011-07-31T07:20:00.002-06:00

Q - Fuck you and the years you put me through. Because of you I'm more afraid than ever. I lost my self confidence. I doubt everything I do. I doubt everything I am.

2011-07-31T07:13:00.002-06:00

I think I lost or am about to lose something that was never really mine. I don't know if I should bring it up and get it over with or continue on in my ignorant bliss until the inevitable happens.

2011-06-28T03:57:00.001-06:00

You used to be such a source of encouagement and comfort. Lately it's been nothing but frustration and tears. I miss my friend.

2011-06-26T09:58:00.001-06:00

Ya know what? Fuck it. And Fuck you. I'm not your own personal yo-yo you selfish fucking prick. You were right. I AM too good for you.

2011-05-21T17:12:00.002-06:00

No more hugs. No more kisses. No more snuggles. No more sleep overs. This isn't good for me. I'm going to try real hard to get over my crush on you.

2011-05-15T16:09:00.002-06:00

What you need to understand is, I wasn't pissed/mad/upset about you telling me no. I can take no for an answer. I'm quite accustomed to taking no for an answer, especially from you. I was pissed and hurt because the one time I needed you to be what you said you'd always be for me, you said no. You called me a psycho and to go away until I was better. You even said you'd never seen me as persistant as I was. That should have clued you in that something was wrong. You are not the friend I thought you were. You have officially knocked yourself off your pedestal.

2011-05-15T00:40:00.002-06:00

I'm so scared of how I feel. My depression has never come on so fast and strong before. I can't get a grip. I've been crying almost daily for the last week. Today I seriously thought about cutting myself with razor blades just so I could feel something other than what I was feeling. I'm not suicidal, but I wouldn't mind getting run over by a speeding semi or bus.

Sex ruins everything.

2011-05-15T00:25:00.000-06:00

I had a weak moment. Your kiss took my breath away. I knew when you came over that night what would happen. I knew I shouldn't have. But I wanted to know what it felt like to have you, even if just for a little while. I read too much into your words and actions, wanting so desperately to see what wasn't there. I'm so sorry for that. As awesome as that kiss was and all the others that followed, I'd give anything to take it back in return for my old friend. I was foolish to think I'd ever be more than a warm body or a distraction. I'd much rather live in the fantasy land of What If than the reality of missing what was never there.

Epic failure

2011-05-15T00:10:00.002-06:00

Today I learned who my friends are. And it wasn't you. He who promised to always wipe my tears and shed light to my darkness. I've never asked you for anything. You always offer me a shoulder to cry on and I always say no cause I don't want you to see me like that. The one time I fucking need you, you say no. God how it killed me to admit I was weak and needed someone. You reminded me of why I push everyone away and never ask for anything. Today I re-learned the only person I can rely on is me. Never again will I ask you for help. Never again will I tell you how I feel.

2011-05-09T20:00:00.001-06:00

I feel so alone. I wish I hadn't pushed everyone away and ruined things with the one person that was always there.

again? really?

2011-05-01T19:27:00.002-06:00

I've got to stop doing this to myself. I've got to stop running from the ones that love me and towards the ones that can't or won't.

denied reciprocity

2011-04-07T14:23:00.002-06:00

angry. hurt. vulnerable. rejected. I can't handle the duplicity. impatient. impulsive. in over my head.

2010-05-12T02:06:00.002-06:00

My life is so much better without you in it. It still hurts sometimes, and I wouldn't take you back for anything, but the hurt is still there.

To my Blue Eyed Boy

2010-02-11T03:51:00.000-07:00

I think I've finally let you go. It's taken almost four years, and you haven't exactly made it easy, but I did it. I clung to you because you were my first love, and until fairly recently, my only love. I couldn't let you go because I believed I couldn't be happy with anyone else. I compared everyone to you. I compared every relationship to ours... Every kiss, every touch to the ones we once shared. There's only one you, and there's only one us. Our love was one of a kind and I'm damn lucky and glad to have had it. I no longer cry because it's over, I smile because it happened. Goodbye, my first love. Don't forget to remember that moment once in a while.

Q

2010-02-10T03:33:00.001-07:00

Maya Angelou said, "people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

I never felt as bad as I did the entire time you were a part of my life. I felt worthless. I felt abandoned. I never felt like I was good enough for you. I felt so unloved, and at times even unloveable. I have never felt such darkness, dispair, and failure.

It's not that I wasn't good enough for you, I was TOO good for you. I didn't just support you, I lifted you up and held you in a place of reverence that you had no business even being close to. I am so glad that load has been removed from my shoulders.

It's not that I'm unloveable, it's just that the only person that you are capeable of loving is yourself..

Although the way you went about doing it was rather shitty, you leaving me was the best thing you could have ever done for me. It took a couple weeks for me to see the hint of blue sky behind the gray clouds, but the darkness is finally gone and my life is once again filled with hope and sunshine.

best conversation ever...

2010-01-23T22:12:00.002-07:00

hisey- I'm gonna feed you some raw fish, dammit

me- lemme hang out with a lesbian for a couple hours first

hisey- only if I can watch

me- someone needs to hold the camera

hisey- lemme know if you need a stunt cock

2009-10-29T02:51:00.002-06:00

I had a dream about you a couple nights ago. Waking up to the reality of what our more than a decade long friendship has become stung a little. I really want to punch you in the face for saying "no matter what happens between us, remember this moment". I want to punch you in the face for lots of things, but that in particular as of late. I keep going back to that stupid moment. That stupid, wonderful, perfect moment.

2009-10-25T23:32:00.003-06:00

When I got home this evening to the apartment we once shared, I noticed as I put my key in the lock, the pink paint you put on the key has almost worn off. I use that key at least twice a day and I never noticed. Kinda like my feelings for you. They used to be strong, even overwhelming at times. The more time that passes, the less feelings I have. I even have days when I don't think of you at all. I wonder if when the paint finally chips off into nothingness, if I'll finally have no feelings for you.

2009-10-21T08:15:00.002-06:00

Don't give YOU attitude? Are you FUCKING kidding me? Excuse the fuck out of me. I planned this whole fucking thing for YOU. I blew my savings to do something nice for YOU. God for-fucking-bid you bother to be on time or even keep me posted on what's going on. The next time I decide to drain my savings to do something nice, it's gonna be for me and you will be the farthest fucking thing from my mind. Really not looking forward to six fucking hours in the fucking car with you. Should have known us getting along was short lived. I can't wait to get this week over with so I can go back to work and not have to fucking see or talk to you. Perhaps I should make it permanent this time. The last two times weren't permanent enough.

Books Vs. Men

2009-09-29T06:05:00.002-06:00

I'm fairly certain if given the choice between one incredible night of sex and a night of reading an incredible book, I'd choose the book. I'm not always in the mood for sex, but if I'm in the mood to read, the book is there. Hard, ready, and waiting to please. No mess to clean up when I'm done. If I want to, I can skip right to the good part and not have to worry about disappointing anyone. If I decide half-way through, it's just not living up to my expectations, I can put it in the reject pile and not have to worry about anyone's bruised egos. If I decide I want to finish it later, I'm not leaving anyone in a lurch. With a book, you always know before you even start, how big it really is. You can even read a used book and not have to worry about who's had it before you and what disease it might have. A book won't hog the covers and drool on you. It's ok to pass the book on to your best friend or co-worker when you're done with it. You can read a book all night for one night, then never pick it up again, with little to no regret. It's ok to go back and visit an old favorite whenever the mood strikes...

I'm sure this will be continued....

When it rains, it effing pours.

2009-09-27T05:03:00.002-06:00

Dude(s) Seriously? Effing Seriously?

Buckeye Boy- Some fucking nerve you have. Asking your former mistress how to deal with a situation concerning your wife and current mistress. You deserve whatever happens to you. I hope you get an STD or ED.

M.H.- I don't even know where to begin. Do you really need a THIRD baby mama? Perhaps if you tried to make it work with #2 instead of living in the past, you wouldn't need a third. Just saying. But it would be fun to make out with you, just for old times sake. You were an awesome kisser.

G.I. Joe- Holy shit. What the fuck can of worms did we crack open? This should prove interesting. Looking forward to the reunion.

Q- old faithful. comfortable. can't live with you, find it even harder without you at times. You make sense on paper and in my head. I wish I could love you.

Blue Eyed Boy- FUCK YOU. What's so hard for me to believe is that I still can't believe the bullshit you pull. You are the only person in the world that can tear down all my walls with just a look, a touch, or one word. YOU are the one that left. Why can't you just stay gone? You're sorry that you hurt me, you say you don't want to hurt me again. JUST FUCKING STOP. Let me move on. Please. I used to want my friend back, but after what you did, I can't look at you the same way.

2009-05-07T01:59:00.002-06:00

It's a shame that when you went back to Texas, your dick didn't get any bigger, but YOU sure became a giant prick.

Gravity

2009-03-30T13:40:00.002-06:00

"Gravity"
Sara Bareilles
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

2009-03-30T13:28:00.003-06:00

For years now I've always ran to you for comfort. You make me feel safe, you build up my confidence, and make me feel important. Where do I go when it's you I need to be sheltered from?

2009-03-15T19:47:00.002-06:00

I want to call you but I have nothing to say. I just want to hear your voice. I'm not going to call though. If I break down and call, I'm weak. I hate that you make me this way. I hate that you make me feel... then again I love the way I feel when I'm with you... GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

2009-03-10T23:31:00.002-06:00

sigh... I miss you already. I mainly just miss being with you. I miss the moments between us.

2009-02-27T02:26:00.002-07:00

I remember those big goofy welfare glasses you used to wear. Now that you've had Lasik, I'm almost kinda sad I won't get to see them anymore. :P

I remember you walking me to class one day while we were in jr high, you reached down and grabbed my hand, and the principal started bitching about no PDA, you grabbed my hand even tighter and said "I'll hold your hand if I want to." It's sweet that you still want to.

I remember when my confidence was shot and I was convinced "I can't". You were the one that told me I could. I did and I have. Thank you for that.

I remember in high school, in between classes while we were all loitering in the hall, you asked if I had any candy or mints. I told you that I just put my last one in my mouth and held it in my teeth, you leaned over and took it with your teeth. Damn, my boyfriend was pissed. So was your girlfriend. And we wondered why no one ever believed us when we said we were just friends.

Every boy I've ever dated, I tried to find someone that made me feel the way I do when I'm with you... someone to make my heart pound the way it did when you grabbed my hand in the hallway at school... someone to tell me when I'm being ridiculous by just saying my name in the way that only you can... someone to make my knees weak when they grab my face in their hands and kiss me... someone just like you.

kryptonite

2009-02-04T12:17:00.002-07:00

I thought I was okay. I can be a bitch on the phone, I can be a bitch to you online, I can even talk shit about you and mean it. Then you show up on my doorstep. I can't be mean to the face that I still love. You see straight through me and give me a hug. You drove 8 hours just to say hello. I hate you, I love you, I miss you. You can't keep doing this to me. I can't keep letting you do this to me. The next time you decide to drive across 3 states to see me, it needs to be forever, or it needs to be goodbye.

you

2009-02-01T22:49:00.002-07:00

damn it, why do I love you? Why can't I make it stop? I don't know how many times I've daydreamed of coming home from work and seeing your truck in the parking lot once again... how it would feel to be in your arms again... what I would say

Dear Lord,

2008-08-01T16:27:00.002-06:00

You have an amazing sense of humor. I know I've prayed for a long time for you to send me a husband/partner/soul mate, someone to love and who loves me unconditionally. Is there any chance that you could send me a husband of MY OWN? Not someon else's.. Is that too much to ask?

Thanks,
Jessi*Belle

P.S. It'd be great if he wasn't currently residing in Canada, England, Austrailia, or New Zealand... unless of course he's willing to relocate and not a total troll.

odd things that happened today...

2008-07-31T21:08:00.003-06:00

08:56... as I'm stumbling around getting ready for work I get a phone call from an ex-boyfriend I haven't spoken to in almost 10 years... we spend half an hour chatting and catching up.

11:07... patient begs me to let him pay for his Lortab with lottery tickets

16:00... flowers delivered to me at work from the boyfriend unit. He's never done that in a year and a half of dating...

17:23... Crazy lady calls wanting to know how much the pills are in the round bottle. I have to explain that ALL bottles are round and ask her to be more specific...

20:16...boyfriend unit calls to see if I'm home from work and if I've had dinner and then takes me out. (we usually don't even get to see each other during the week because of scheduling conflicts and location of our respective dwellings)

JCW

2008-07-29T20:07:00.002-06:00

It's better to have tasted fantasy and to still have the escape of blissful daydreams than to live in the reality of what actually happened.

Other than Paris....

2008-07-29T19:57:00.003-06:00

things we'll always have...

2nd Grade

a witch and warlock

Vinita

Tulsa

180

one Christmas

one baptism

Just Remember

a silly promise.... (I kept my end, I wasn't 25 yet!)

a drama tournament

moments with family

each other

one breath taking moment

friendship

love

Let me know if I missed anything...

my bubble

2008-07-27T21:18:00.002-06:00

Usually I love my bubble, but right now I feel like it's closing in around me.

acceptance

2008-07-23T06:58:00.002-06:00

Sometimes you have to take the good along with the bad and realize that the bad isn't as bad as you think. Nothing can replace intensity and passion, but there is something to be said for loyalty, comfort, and someone who challenges you.

Extracted

2008-07-21T22:26:00.002-06:00

I have extracted myself from an icky situation. I just wish it was as easy to delete friends from your life as it is to delete them from your FaceBook or MySpace. I'm sure in about a month we'll be able to laugh at this, but that's not going to happen tonight.

Honesty

2008-07-21T10:34:00.001-06:00

If you both told each other everything you've told me, it probably wouldn't have come to this.

rejection

2008-07-11T22:24:00.001-06:00

Fuck you. You knew exactly what you were doing. It's my own stupid fault though.

validation?

2008-07-11T22:17:00.002-06:00

three of your friends pulled me aside at different times last night to tell me that you don't deserve me. If so many other people can see it besides me and people close to me, why can't you? I try so hard for you, I hate failure and I hate to quit.... but I may have to accept failure and move on.

bleh...

2008-07-09T18:35:00.002-06:00

you had become so easily infused in my day to day activities that I hardly noticed. I hope this hurts you too. Maybe just a lil worse than me.

selfish.

2008-07-09T08:03:00.002-06:00

I don't often step up and say I want something out of fear I'm being selfish or hurting someone in the process. I can't tell you, I can't tell anyone. I think I want this. I know it won't be easy. I'm used to doing things the hard way. It makes life more interesting. I've always set my sights way to high then freaked out thinking I can't attain the goal. The one good piece of advice I've gleaned from my dad is "Can't never tried". How can I look at something and say "I can't have this" if I haven't even tried to obtain it? Screw you. I want to try so I can validly say I can't, but at least I tried. I've sat out on too many things because I thought I was being selfish. I want to be impulsive. I want to take the risk. One of my favorite quotes from my favorite book is "Argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours." I know I'm better. I know I can do it. The only question is, Why.

Does it look like I'm ready???

2008-07-06T21:43:00.002-06:00

ok...so... the boyfriend came within an inch of his life this morning.

I'm standing at the foot of the bed rifiling through my suitcase. I'm in my jeans, my hair is still wet, and I have no makeup on.

The boyfriend says "So are ya ready?"

I say "Does it look like I'm ready?"

He says "Can I have a lil less attitude?"

I say "Can I have a lil less stupidity?"

Jeezus. Really. We've been together for a year and a half, he knows what I look like when I'm "ready". Have I ever gone out in public the entire time he's known me in unbuttoned jeans, bra, wet hair, and no makeup???

work in progress... part 2

2008-06-26T18:52:00.003-06:00

recent events have made me realize something else that makes me happy.

The boyfriend unit has been having a hard time lately with work and some personal issues... No, his misery doesn't make me happy... although sometimes I wish it would... but I digress... He was having a particular rotten day, so I sent him a cookie bouquet at work.

My favorite co-worker has was having a bad day today, so I brought her a Happy Meal when I went to fetch lunch for the boss.

The fuzzy feeling I've made someone else happy makes me happy.

So, on my list of things that take me to my happy place we've got fire, marshmallows, family, and performing random acts of kindness.

Work in progress...

2008-06-24T21:26:00.002-06:00

The only person that I can hold acountable for my happiness is ME. I am going to list my happy moments until I find the common demoninator. It is my goal to not only have a happy past, but a happy present and future as well. Here goes... in no particular order....

*sitting on a log by the bonfire roasting marshmallows with my family after Aunt Bobby's funeral.

*when I made it to the top of the lighthouse and looked down.

*when I passed my PTCB exam

*the first time I hit the bullseye on the target

*roasting marshmallows with my nephews after Grandma's funeral

*the look on Quentin's face when he opened his Star Wars Holiday Special bootleg for Christmas

*finishing a good book

*running up to my grandfather as he was getting off the plane, him reaching down, picking me up and giving me the hug that only a grandfather could give

ok... so I know I've been happier more than that but I have to take a dive in my brain cells.... so far the common things have been fire, marshmallows, and family.

Scott was right after all....

2008-06-21T13:55:00.004-06:00

Scott said that closure and healing wouldn't truly happen until you moved on too. It hit me like a ton of bricks to see that you had another girl. That's why the phone calls and texts stopped. It wasn't because you were busy with work, it was because you'd met someone. I'm happy for you, really I am. It sucks that we can't be happy together. I can talk about you now and smile instead of cry. I can remember you most of the time without tearing up. Summertime is always the hardest. Summertime was OUR time.

Things I want to forget:
* the feeling I had when I began to realize it might be over

* you confirming that feeling

* spending a month crying on the bathroom floor

* the piece of me that's missing without you

* that I still love you

Things I want to always remember:
* laying beside you in a tangle of sheets and each other catching our breaths and you saying "No matter what happens between us, remember this moment"

* the way you held on to me when it was time to go on a job and not knowing when you'd see me again.

* the way you'd jump out of the truck and run to me after you'd been gone, pick me up, and say "kiss my face"

*that night you put your hand on the back of my head, and as you were pulling me down to you, you saying "come down here and make love to me"

* the way I felt just being in your presence, be it on the phone or live in person. I never felt alone, I always felt loved and important.

*sitting on the sofa with my legs propped up on your lap listening to you play the guitar

eh, blah

2008-05-28T22:07:00.002-06:00

Why do I continue to stay in a relationship with someone that I don't love and who doesn't love me either? Cause it's safe. I don't love him so, he can't hurt me... staying with him keeps me from falling in love with anyone else, thus further protecting me from potential heartache. Yep. I'm one screwed up individual. You get dumped for a platinum bottle blonde named Lola and you'll get a lil deranged yourself.

waltz for a night....

2008-04-10T09:07:00.003-06:00

Let me sing you a waltz
Out of nowhere, out of
my thoughts
Let me sing you a waltz
About this one night stand
I have no bitterness, my sweet
I'll never forget this one night thing
Even tomorrow, in other arms
(Julie Delpy)

I don't know what it is about him, he's almost always lurking on the outer rims of my thoughts or daydreams. Sometimes I even crave him. His touch was firm, I felt safe with his arm around my shoulders or his hand on my lower back guiding me through a crowd. I love how he felt in my arms... solid. He wasn't like hugging a rock, he was just muscular enough. I had almost forgot what skin on skin felt like... he wasn't as hairy my past couple boyfriends. The relaxing control he had over me when he held my arms above my head and told me to "shh". There was a raw kind of honesty between us... maybe it was the dishonesty of our clandestine meetings. I wish I could forget him. He creeps into my thoughts in the most inappropriate moments.

Q

2008-01-03T18:17:00.000-07:00

It's almost been a year. What a year it's been! Because of you I got to experience a lot of wonderful things, places, and events I never thought I would. I truly thank you for that. The first few months were wonderful. The last few haven't been so wonderful. Whenever you want to do something or go somewhere I do my damnedest to make it happen. Whenever it's something I want to do or somewhere I want to go, you put it off, or ignore it, or show up late. I don't need to justify the need for me to be happy. The fact that I'm so unhappy with you is justification enough.

I've had the thought of breaking up with you brewing in my mind for a couple months now. I keep trying to come up with a solid reason to leave and a justification for my dissatisfaction with you. I've been waiting to break up with you thinking that your bad attitude would subside after the anniversary of your grandma's death, your wife leaving, divorce, and holidays.

As long as we've been together you've expressed your negative thoughts about love, relationships and women in general. I've tried so hard to make you happy and change your views. I give up. You are just destined to be miserable and alone. I hope you enjoy it. I no longer feel sorry for you for losing your wife like you did, I feel sorry for HER because I'm sure you drove her to it. You are a self centered jack ass not capable of loving anyone but your little white dog.

Hot Cocoa

2007-12-26T20:16:00.000-07:00

I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine while I was making a cup of hot cocoa... Here's part of the conversation:

Me: Ow! Fuck! Son of a Bitch!

Him: What the hell did you do?

Me: I just burned the piss out of my mouth with this damn hot cocoa.

Him: Dumbass. What did you expect?

Me: I stuck my finger in it and it felt fine.

Him: Just because it feels fine when you stick you finger in something, it doesn't mean you should put it in your mouth...

*******************************************************

a dirty mind is a horrible thing to waste!

St. Louis

2007-12-19T20:26:00.000-07:00

I know weddings are supposed to be happy occasions but, the one Q and I went to last weekend just made me depressed. I've never had the typical wedding day, fairy princess fantasies. I never cared about the flowers, the dress, the cathedral, or even prince charming. The one thing I'd always wanted at my wedding was to be able to dance with my grandfathers at the reception. They're both gone now. I don't know if it's the depression or what, but I just can't see myself getting married and having my own family. I don't see the point anymore. The only person I could ever see myself with happily ever after broke my heart. The person I've been dating for the last 10 months I don't even know why I'm with.

Things left behind....

2007-10-29T21:56:00.000-06:00

Several cousins, my two aunts, and myself spent a couple days cleaning out grandma's house... While cleaning out her dresser we came across jars of tummy tuck cream, breast enhancement cream, lingerie, a bottle of lube, and a mysterious white slender rectangular shaped box. I read the side of the box "vaginal dialator". I said "Oh my gawd" and dropped it. My cousin, SHM, said "No way" and proceeded to open the box. My cousin, EHA, and I both shreik, and yell "Don't touch it." SHM dumps the contents of the box on to a kleenex and we all yell "Oh my gawd" as our worst fears are confirmed... Grandma's dildo... The side of the box also was labled "Size M".. SHM asked "Why would she need a medium?" I said, "Well, she was married twice and had 3 kids...."

All of us are now scarred for life.

From the mouths of babes....

2007-10-29T21:35:00.000-06:00

My older sister and her family came down for the funeral. So I got plenty of time to bond and hang out with my 5 nephews. The range in age from 11 down to 2 years old....

Nephew #1

He gets in my car, buckles his seat belt, turns to me and says "Is this going to be a scenic drive?"

I was floored... I turned back to him and said, "Well only if you find cows to be and hay bales scenic."

Nephew #2

He plops down next to me and says "You're pretty, I'm going to call you Auntie Princess".

Who am I to argue? The kid is a good judge of character....

Nephew #3

He's sitting in between me and one of my cousins and says "When you two get older, I'm going to buy you brooms so you can fly"

My cousin and I look at each other in shock as my dad pipes in and says "Make sure they have a place to plug in their cell phones"

Nephew #4
I walked into my Aunts house and noticed a big crack in the ceiling of the dining room and asked her what happened...

My nephew walks by and says "Oh that? I did that when I broke in to steal the chickens. Sorry." Then grabs a bunch of grapes and walks out to the backporch like nothing happened.

Nephew #5

Nephew #5 is the youngest. He's the cutest little snuggle bear. At the end of the wake when we were all leaving the funeral home I said "Come on baby, it's time to go, say goodbye to Grandma Tiger. " He ran halfway up the aisle, waved and said "Bye grandma, see you tomorrow."

Aparently my birthday kills grandmothers...

2007-10-29T20:14:00.000-06:00

October 19th was my birthday. On my birthday I received a call from my favorite cousin to tell me that if I wanted to say goodbye to our grandmother while she was still living, I should make arrangements to do so ASAP. I made the trip the next day. I was so shocked when I saw how much she had deteriorated so quickly. I had just seen her a couple months ago and just talked to her about a week before. She could hardly speak and was mostly paralyzed. She fought for about a week longer and finally passed on October 24th.

I had the honor of writing a eulogy for my grandmother...

Grandma was a classy Southern lady who wasn't too shy to order a mug of beer with dinner or tell you exactly how she felt, often in the form of a letter.

Grandma took great pride in and loved her many grandchildren and great-granchildren no matter how far away or how much trouble we were in.

EHA, JDP, and I had the great privlidge of growing up the closest to her. Grandma was our babysitter and daycare service. Because of this, we know our way around a backyard vegetable garden, the rest of Paul Harvey's stories, to look both ways before crossing the street, and perhaps the most important, don't stand barefoot on the floor furnace.

Just last night I was talking to my mother reminiscing about Grandma. She said that if anyone so enjoyed their walk to the Lord, it was Grandma. Every morning she would get up at 5:00am to study her bible and to write in her journal. The last couple evenings since her passing myself and the rest of the grandchildren have been reading her journals. All of her entries were prayers and praise to the Lord. Most of her prayers were for the family to grow closer together and closer to God. Her most recent prayers were for the Lord to heal her body and make her whole.

Although she will be greatly missed in this world, her prayers have been answered, she is finally with the Lord, healed and whole.

In Memory

2007-10-15T21:37:00.000-06:00

Twenty three years ago tomorrow my grandma died. It was just three days before my third birthday. I don't remember much about her, but my earliest memories are of her. My mom and the rest of the family did a wonderful job of bringing me up knowing what a wonderful person she was and how much she loved me. One of the last things she did was for me. The day she died she signed two birthday cards for me, one from her and grandpa and the other from her pet bird, Mario. She had also got me a book and had wrote a note in the inside cover for me. When Mom flew out to California to get the family and funeral together, she found those items on her desk in the room where she died. I still have both cards and the book.

I've noticed through the years the strange things that Mom, my uncle, and I have held on to just because they had some connection to Grandma. Mom keeps a ratty pair of brown knee socks in the back of her sock drawer, and a half done needlework of a clown hanging on her closet door. My uncle keeps a pillow that she embroidered on his sofa. I keep a an old torn t-shirt of hers hanging on a hook in my closet, and a coupon for 7cents off Lenders Bagels that expired in May of 1982 as a bookmark in one of my cookbooks. Mom keeps the socks because she had borrowed them and forgot to return them and the clown because one day she'll pick up where grandma left off. My uncle keeps the pillow around because she made it for him when he was a boy. I keep the shirt because I can remember her wearing it, I even wore it for a nightgown for a few years when I was little. I keep the coupon because it fell out of a cookbook of hers, if it was a good enough bookmark for her, it'll work for me too. The average person would probably see these things as junk, but to the keepers of these items, it's a bridge to someone that has long left this world, but never our hearts

I got over you

2007-10-11T17:19:00.000-06:00

You said you needed time. I said fine, I was willing to wait. How long did you really expect me to wait? I had no contact from you for MONTHS. I got tired of crying on the bathroom floor waiting for you. We've been playing this game for 12 years. It's time to grow up. It's over. You should've been the first to accept it since you were the one to puss out on it. You're the one that fucked up, not me. I was ready to marry you and live the happily ever after we've been talking about since we were kids. Moving on and getting over you was the last thing I thought I'd ever do. It's been hard forgetting about "us". It still hurts sometimes, but everyday it gets easier. I like my new life here in the city and I have no intentions of leaving, not even for you.

Over You Daughtry

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

2007-08-05T17:09:00.000-06:00

So... Suddenly the Blue Eyed Boy thinks he's the expert on what I want, need, and deserve in life. After an almost 6 month absence from my life, he's decided that he still loves me and wants to live happily ever after with me. He said after he's done with his current contractor in the fall, he will have saved up enough money for a down payment on a house and to not have to work out on the road anymore. He said I need someone that will be around and not on the road all the time, and the house he wants to get comes on 20+ acres so I'll have a place to have my horse, and there's a branch of the company I work for 30 minutes away... Is he that retarded? Really, to think all I need in life is him, a place for my horse, and a place to work. After what he did he wants me to leave my life that's finally going somewhere and go to the middle of fucking nowhere in Texas.

2007-07-05T16:05:00.000-06:00

I thought I was dealing quite well with the breakup quite well. I started going out with co-workers and a high school friend that moved to town. I even started dating and was juggling as many as three different guys. I've narrowed the 3 down to just one and have been dating just him for the past few months. The new guy, Q, is a great guy. He brings me flowers, he enjoys going to see Broadway shows, he loves going out and having a good time. He's got a good job and goals set for himself. He opens the door for me, he even manages to tolerate my nutty best friend. My co-workers, family, friends, all love him and tell me what a good match he is for me. Did I mention that he's incredibly gorgeous? I mentally agree with said co-workers, family, and friends. I KNOW in my head, but for some reason my heart just won't listen.

2007-07-03T15:59:00.000-06:00

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I've been a very bad blogger....

Not blogging, however is a GOOD thing for me. I learned that I tend to blog the most when I'm sad, lonely, or depressed. I don't know if the way that I am is typical of most "only" children or just me, but I have a bad habit of isolating myself when something is bothering me. I'm so used to being alone that I don't know how to turn to other people when I'm stressed or overwhelmed with life. I build my own sort of cocoon and only express myself via my blog(s).

Snowman

2007-01-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

I had a little fun playing in the snow over the weekend...

2007-01-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been very eye opening to me. I felt mad at the Blue Eyed Boy for the first time. I've been spending a lot of time with my friends and people from work. I've even gone out on a few dates with a couple different guys. I'm really enjoying this whole being single thing. I should have done this years ago. I was driving home from one of my dates one evening and that was when I got mad at the Blue Eyed Boy. I realized that as much as I love(d) him and as much fun as we had together, he was really holding back from a lot of things. I went out with the girls from work one night and ended up spending the majority of the evening out on the dance floor, which is something he never would do with me. I had to beg him for just one dance, one of the guys I'm seeing now, I have to beg to take a break from the dance floor. I used to spend my weekends at home just hoping that maybe my Blue Eyed Boy would get to come through town for even just an hour. Now I find myself playing einey-meeney-miney moe to see who I spend my weekends or evenings off with.

2007-01-18T08:13:00.000-07:00

I've been on a organic/vegetarian kick lately. In my quest for eating healthy I learned something. I don't like lentils. They look like bloated ticks. I shared this discovery with my friend, Sam. Sam is offended that I don't like lentils because apparently that's a staple in Indian cooking. So now I have a date on Sunday. Sam is going to take me out for Indian food. Should be interesting... Any suggestions on what to order????

2007-01-09T05:50:00.000-07:00

How do your mourn the loss of someone you never physically met, but had regular, if not daily contact with? Someone that you may not even know their real name? Someone you shared some of your deepest secrets, fantasies, and hopes with? I wish I knew how to describe the way I feel. I'm used to feeling numb, but this is different. I woke up this morning remembering the news I heard last night. I feel blank. I don't even have the usual groggy 'I don't want to get up feeling'. I don't know what to do with my extra time in the mornings without this person to chat with. Going on like nothing's happened seems so wrong, but what else is there to do? It's not like the people in my 'real life' would even understand this.

Am I asking too much?

2007-01-05T20:10:00.000-07:00

Today at work the girls were grilling me on what I want in a guy so they can fix me up. I've decided to compose a list of what I want (in no particular order) and see if I have any takers...

1. must sit on the sofa, scratch himself, drink beer, and burp while watching football.... the catch is, he needs to look good while doing this, I don't want a lazy slob.

2. must be willing to take me to monster truck rallies or mud runs

3. must clean up well for a night out on the town

4. must actually want to attend and enjoy said night out on the town and not bitch about wanting to go home the entire time

5. must be capable of intelligent speech

6. must NOT be a whiny mama's boy

7. must NOT use more hair or skin care products than me

8. tattoos and piercings are a plus, but not required

9. must have a dirty enough mind to make me laugh, but sweet enough to bring home to my mama.

10. must understand or accept my love of black & chrome

11. must understand that just because I sometimes just want to curl up the the corner with a book, doesn't mean I'm pissed off.

12. must be able to fix stuff when it breaks but know when to admit defeat and call a professional

13. not required, but it'd be nice if he was less than 6 feet tall

14. must be able to complete following sentence correctly "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya,you killed my father, _______ ______ ________!"

15. I have no musical talent, but it'd be nice if the guy could at least play an acoustic guitar so I could kick back with a beer and listen to him jam.

16. NO SMOKING!!!

17. must like to go fishing... and be willing to take my fish off the hook.... I can't stand to touch the slimy lil fuckers.

18. must understand that the world revolves around me, but also has a life outside of me as well

19. must have skills... yeah THOSE kind of skills...

20. must not be clingy and possesive

2006-12-31T09:21:00.000-07:00

Ya know, I think I just might be alright after all. I took my self out shopping and bought two new pairs of pants.... in a size 7/8. Yeah, they were stretchy cords and ran a little big, the point is I fit into a 7/8. I went to another store and found a 100% camel hair, satin lined, Oscar de LaRenta, full length over coat, normally $349.99, on clearance for $99, fit like a fucking glove.... And I left the store WITHOUT IT. I was trying to be a responsible young adult. I have a full length winter white wool Calvin Klein that I've worn like 5 times in the last 2 years I've had it. I need another coat like I need a hole in my head. I called my mother to tell her how much of a grown up I am. Her response "You are NOT my daughter! That is an investment piece! It would never go out of style!" Gotta love my mother the shop-a-holic. In the end she was proud of me for being such a grown up.
I later found a better way to blow a hundred bucks. I went to Barnes and Noble and bought another Bukowski book to add to my collection, maybe a book case would be a better investment for me??? Anyway.... I didn't spend the whole $100 on a book. My best friend and I went out for dinner and drinks. The place we went to had alcoholic slushies. yummmm! We had one each while we were waiting on dinner, and one more during dinner. We were trying to decide which one to get after dinner and we saw a lovely little postcard looking thing on the drink menu.... a Daiquiri Tree. ALL the different flavors in mini glasses!!! And then we ordered dessert to go with our tree. Chocolate Fondue..... it was made with Godiva liqueur. OMG.... sex on a mutha fuckin platter. Didn't know you could a buzz from dessert. Maybe it was the tree...

Life goes on. It's not going to be easy, but I think I might get over my first broken heart. I've been pretty lucky making it to 25 without one.

2006-12-28T16:03:00.000-07:00

I know I said I wasn't going to cry or waste anymore time on him, I lied. He called last night and like a dumbass I had to answer it. I missed just hearing him call me 'baby'. I hate how I feel right now. I've never felt this way. I can't count the hours I've spent crying on my bathroom floor. I miss him so much. I hate this so much. I tried so hard with him. I've failed in past relationships because I wasn't able to express how I felt for the person. With him, I did everything I could to show him how much he was loved. He said the intensity of our relationship was scaring him and he wasn't sure if he was ready for it and he just needs some time to figure out what he wants. Gawd, I wish he wanted ME. He's been chasing me for the last 12 years, why couldn't he have figured this out before he caught me?

This apartment is killing me right now. I can't be anywhere that doesn't remind me of him. I remember all the wet towel fights in the kitchen and the ice cubes down shirts and pants. Him coming up behind me with his hand on my waist while I'm cooking. The napping on the sofa in the living room, the sneaking up on each other in the shower. Falling asleep in his arms, waking up to his hands all over my body and kisses on my cheek. Him pouncing on me in the doorway of my bedroom cause he didn't want to waste the time walking to the bed.

I know I need to get out of here even if just for a few hours, but I'm sick of being alone. I called my best friend but she's busy with her husband, I chatted with another friend who also had plans with her hubby. Everyone else is too far away. I'm tired of spending the evenings crying on the bathroom floor. I'll be doing really good keeping my mind off everything and then I'll hear a song or have a flash of memory or hear someone talking to or about their special someone. It's not that I don't have a special someone, I can accept being single, I'm just having a hard time accepting that HE's not my special someone anymore. He's been in my life for so long, I hate him not being there. I feel so empty.

it's a new day...

2006-12-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

So yesterday kinda sucked for me. I spent most of it bawling like a little bitch. I couldn't be anywhere in my apartment that didn't share a memory of him. Last night I finally got sick of myself. I boxed up his shit and addressed it so all I have to do is ship it. I deleted his numbers, pics, and messages from my phone. I deleted his pics from my camera and computer. I'm done. I'm not wasting another day on him.

The sudden silence sucks, I feel like I deserve at least a call or text saying "fuck you" so I at least have some closure, but I've created my own closure by removing his essence from my life.

It was fun while it lasted.

Gee, thanks Santa...

2006-12-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

I knew it would come to this, I just didn't know when or how. I was hoping it would last a bit longer and be on different terms. This weekend marked the end of me and my Blue Eyed Boy. I think what hurts the worse is that I didn't even see it coming, especially not like this. I knew better than to open up and give so much of myself to someone.

2006-12-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

Damn, I miss that boy of mine. It really sucks that he works an early day shift and I work a late evening shift. He's usually back at the motel and asleep by the time I make it home. Not talking for days really makes the being 400+ miles apart even harder sometimes.

Rant...

2006-12-21T09:40:00.000-07:00

Don't bitch at me for not feeling welcome at a party YOU crashed. It is over, and it's been over. I'm not coming back to you. I don't love you. MOVE ON.

2006-12-18T20:49:00.000-07:00

I finally got to spend some quality time with the Blue Eyed Boy this weekend. We spent most of our brief time snuggled on the sofa watching TV, but that's ok cause I happen to like being all wrapped up in his arms. It was so nice waking up Sunday morning to his arms around me and him leaning over to see if I was awake yet. Damn, I love that boy.... He turns me in to such a love struck girly girl... makes the tom boy in me wanna kick his ass...

2006-12-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

I play it tough on the outside and try to hide my feelings from you so you can't see how vulnerable I am when it comes to you. I say that I don't like the typical girly/romantic stuff, that I don't need to hear you say the words I so desperately want to hear. I try not to show my disappointment when things don't go the way we had planned. I know you work long hours and sometimes work for weeks with only a couple days off. I know sometimes you just want to be on YOUR sofa and sleep in YOUR bed and just relax and be with your buddies. I encourage that, one of the things that I love about you is that you have other friends and a life outside of me.

The truth is, I miss you when you're not around. I love the tingly feeling I get when I get an unexpected call or text message from you. I love the way you pull me close and whisper things in my ear when we're out with friends. So sometimes, when I'm trying to seem tough, see through the facade and tell me that you love me, you miss me, tell me anything so I don't feel like I'm feeling this alone.

I'm torn between telling you how I feel or holding it all in. I'm afraid if I tell you how I feel, that I'll push you away, but on the other hand I'm afraid if I don't tell you I'll push you away.

I don't even begin to know how to properly express myself. My parents always taught me to think before I speak and they'd often answer questions for me and tell me how they thought I felt. Whenever I'd express a thought or feeling they didn't agree with, they'd tell me I was wrong and tell me how they thought I should have felt or what they thought I was thinking. And now as an adult I second guess how I feel and I seldom get mad because I feel like I'm being selfish by being mad. I don't think I have a right to be mad at you because what I'm mad at is the situation and that's nothing you or I can control. Sometimes I feel like you're the only one that understands the abuse I went through, but then again I feel like a selfish whiny brat when I tell you about it because I can't even begin to fathom what you went through. Be it physical or emotional, abuse is abuse and we both have scars and baggage we still carry with us today.

I can't tell you how much it hurts when you tell me that you're not worth the tears and loneliness you cause me. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You are so worth it. I'm so proud of you for turning your life around and overcoming your demons. The truth is, I think I might even be a little jealous. I'm envious of the places you get to see and the fearless way you look at new things.

I fell in love with a scrawny blonde headed blue eyed boy almost eleven years ago and today I'm even more in love with the man you've become.

2006-12-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

My blue eyed boy got about an hour from the job site last night before the boss called him to tell say they had to work this morning, so he had to turn around and go back. I'm kinda bummed, but we both have the last week of the month off and I'm looking forward to that. It gives me more time to clean out/organize my walk-in closet. In February the BEB's lease on his house is up and he's not going to renew it since he's not ever there. He's putting his big stuff (refrigerator, washer, dryer, furniture, ect) in storage and moving his clothes and whatever else that he doesn't take on the road to my place.

He's so romantic.....

2006-12-06T22:33:00.000-07:00

My blue eyed boy hasn't been home in about three weeks and he called this evening to say he'd be through town Friday night. I asked him if he'd like me to make anything special for dinner. His response? "Baby don't even bother, you're the only thing I want to eat." At least he's honest.

My favorite ex....

2006-12-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

So... I have this ex boyfriend. We 'met' professionally about 5 years ago, became friendly about 3 years ago and dated for about 8 months. I worked in a pharmacy and he worked for a pharmacy help desk. Some people that know us say that we have a sick and twisted relationship. Be that as it may, that's what works for us. He and I were friends first, we decided to date, it ended badly because we never should have dated to begin with, and now we're friends again. It was really hard working through our issues to get back to this point. He and I both blog. We both are aware of each other's blogs, he reads mine on occasion and I tend to avoid his just because I respect his privacy. Today I decided to read his blog just because when we were talking last night I said something that pissed him off and he said he was going to blog about it. I read that post and started poking around at his other posts. He mostly posts about a recent relationship and doesn't really say anything that he and I haven't talked about on the phone. I stumbled across a post that I think I wasn't supposed to see. His post went into our break up and some lingering feelings he had for me for quite sometime. I want to say I'm sorry for hurting him, but I don't know if I should open that can of worms. Should I tell him I read the post? Our romantic relationship was over years ago and most of our issues concerning that part of our lives is water under the bridge. I wish I could go back and "unread" that post.

Funny Moments From the Bedroom....

2006-12-01T21:38:00.000-07:00

I usually keep a glass of water on the window sill by my bed. One night I was sleeping next to the Blue Eyed Boy and I felt him turn over and reach for the glass. I drifted back to sleep and sometime later I woke up to him exclaiming "Oh, shit!" and running out of the room. I rolled over to see what was going on and rolled into a big wet spot on the bed. Totally grossed out, I lied there frozen until he came back in the room and I said "Fucker, tell me you didn't just piss all over my brand new bed!!!" He busted out laughing and put a towel down over the wet spot and said "Actually baby, I fell asleep with the water glass in my hand."

I hate it when he's right....

2006-11-29T22:18:00.000-07:00

I was hitting the ATM before a night out with the gang . I turned to the Blue Eyed Boy and asked "Baby, is $50 enough to get trashed?" His smart ass response "Baby, YOU could get drunk on $5." The fucker jinxed me. I got tore up on the first $4.50 drink he bought me. In my defense I did down it in less than 3 minutes and it was on an empty stomach. Turns out I didn't need to hit the ATM after all lol.... I'm such a light weight. I guess need to drink more so I can keep up with everyone else.

Gotta love the boy....

2006-11-25T22:13:00.000-07:00

I don't get to spend that much time with my blue eyed boy cause he's a contractor is usually all over the country on various jobs. He called me this evening to check up on me and asked if I had any big plans for the weekend. I told him that my best friend and I were going to a drag show on Sunday night. He kinda laughed and asked "Since when have you been into cars, baby?" I had to laugh and say "No, baby, the OTHER kind of drag show." Gotta love the country boys....

Thoughts From the Shower

2006-11-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

For some reason I do all my deep thinking in the shower and this morning was no different. I'm having some issues coping with my relationship with my blue eyed boy.

I hate the fact that he makes me feel. I'm usually so numb emotionally and generally have a 'I don't give a fuck' attitude towards my significant others. I don't get jealous, I don't get all lovey dovey, I tend to be a selfish bitch and do whatever I want with in reason. My blue eyed boy travels a lot for his job and I find myself missing him and almost sad if we make plans and have to cancel. Whenever he leaves for a job and I know I won't be seeing him for a few weeks, the second his tail lights fade, I'm hauling my ass upstairs to bury my head in a pillow and cry. When I know he's coming home soon I go nuts trying to make sure everything is perfect. I get damn near giddy when I get an unexpected text message or phone call from him, I save his voice mail just so I can hear his voice during those times we don't get to talk for a few days.

This is so unlike me. I'm not supposed to care about someone like this. Why haven't my defense mechanisms kicked in yet? I should be pushing him away or something by now. Those last few ponderings really kicked the self-psycho-analysis into high gear. I began to think about my past few relationships and I think I figured it out, kinda. It all goes back 6 years ago to one of the last 'conversations' I had with my then husband as I was throwing his ass out. He told me that no one would want me after I was with him. Hmm.. Almost all the relationships I've had since him have been almost like a conquest for me. I dated guys just because I knew I could manipulate and control them and a few others I dated just to prove that I could.

My blue eyed boy is the first guy that I've truly wanted to be with. I'm not with him to feel safe, I'm not with him to impress anyone, and I'm not with him just for the sake of being with someone. I'm not controlling him and he's far from controlling me. We're in this together and I think that's what scares me the most.

my blue eyed boy

2006-10-29T19:58:00.000-07:00

Our first kiss happened back in May. He was walking me to my car after meeting some mutual friends for a few rounds of beer and pool. We were hugging goodbye just like we'd been doing for years. This time the hug lasted a little longer and then suddenly but gently he grabbed my face in his hands and kissed me the most amazing kiss. As cliche as it sounds, it gave me chills. I was almost speechless afterward. Always the smart ass, all I could say was "It's about time."

He and I have known each other since the 8th grade and have been trying to hook up ever since but the timing and distance was always off. This past summer the timing was finally right and the physical distance was workable. This boy was always in the back of my mind as 'the one that got away.' Now he's mine and we're finally having our chance.

getting some air

2006-10-23T20:00:00.000-06:00

Now normally taking some time away from a relationship to sort out feelings isn't such a bad idea and can be a good experience..... as long as the person you're in the relationship with is aware of what you're doing. Did I cheat? Yes. Was it wrong? Yes. Do I regret it? No.

I didn't start out with any intention of cheating. I thought we were in some kind of a rut due to the hours and hectic schedules we were working. I thought that it'd be a good idea to look for a new job with more regular hours so we could have more time to concentrate on the relationship.

In my quest for a new job I ended up befriending a local business owner that was around my age. It started out as a part time job and progressed to something else. We were both in similar places in our respective relationships and would often spend hours after closing just talking about our significant others and how we wished we knew how to fix our troubled relationships. Quite honestly, since hind sight is always 20/20, if we had put that much effort into the relationships, we probably wouldn't have turned to each other. Sexually or Emotionally. After about 2 months of a steamy sexual affair we decided that we need to cool it and try to make an effort to make things work with our better halves.

I threw myself into trying to be a better girlfriend to the guy I'd been seeing. I made the extra effort to spend more time with him, cook dinner, and try to recapture that spark we used to have. But it just wasn't there. I should have left then when I realized it. But I let it drag on for months letting the poor guy think everything was OK, all the while I was miserable.

Starting Over

2006-10-22T22:13:00.000-06:00

A few months ago I finally broke up with a really great guy that I'd been with for over 2 years. It was a really hard decision to make and an even harder thing to do. He didn't do anything wrong, he was the perfect boyfriend. He always made a big deal about birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's day, and all the other times guys can be bone heads about. He was even half-way decent in the sack. He was the first guy to make me orgasm from sex. He sent me dozens of roses over the time we were together and frequently surprised me with all kinds of gifts. He liked to go shopping and would even attempt to cook. His world seemed like it revolved around me. I couldn't handle that anymore. It was boring. I didn't realize how bored I was until a good friend of mine asked me what it was me and that guy had in common. I got all defensive and angry at that friend because I couldn't come up with an answer on the spot. I seriously started thinking about that. After knowing someone for almost 4 years and dating for over 2 of those years, that should have been really easy to answer. That marked the beginning of the end.

I decided that perhaps I just needed some space from the relationship to figure out my feelings for him. During that time of exploring my space, I did a few things that I'd like to say that I'm not proud of, but instead, in some sick way I AM proud of them. I'm proud that I had the guts to do some of the things I did, kinda proud that I got away with them, but I'm almost ashamed because I hurt such a great person that didn't deserve it.